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Dr. Del Tackett is the author, architect and teacher for Focus on the Family's The Truth Project, a nationwide initiative designed to bring the Christian worldview to the body of Christ.

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Responses to “R” & “L”

Posted on March 8, 2009
Filed Under Marriage & Family | 11 Comments

I am always delighted to hear how the Lord has graciously worked in the lives of so many of you through the Truth Project. I am also thankful that the marriage simulcast was a blessing to such a large group of people.

Marriage is an awesome creation, is it not?

However, not all were pleased and I thought it would be instructive to respond to “R” and “L” who took exception to my use of the word “family” because I expressed my belief that it bears the design marks of a triune God: husband, wife and children. They felt I was being exclusive and offensive to those who do not find themselves matching that design.

“R” said that his sons may never marry and that I was being judgmental by quoting Genesis 2:18, “it is not good for man to be alone”.

“L” said that my remarks “soured” the simulcast for her because I included children in the “family” design I sketched on the board. I found out later that “L” is hurting from an earlier miscarriage and from their present infertility struggles. My heart went out to her because I have wept over those situations myself. “L” stated that she can’t go to a Women’s Retreat because she can’t stand the pain of hearing other women talking about their children. This is understandably a difficult time for her and it is a good lesson for all of us. We should learn to “mourn with those who mourn”, just as “L” needs to learn to “rejoice with those who rejoice”, including when people rejoice over their children (and go on and on and on about them…this requires sensitivity).

By the way, I have attached my response to “L” at the end of this blog.

There was another comment, from “J”, who was upset, not about the use of the term “family”, but by my use of the term “marriage” in a way that implied it was exclusively for a man and a woman.

There are a lot of things that are interesting here. I had a sense that neither “R” nor “L”, even in her pain, wanted to throw out the definition of family that included children. Even “J” was not advocating that “marriage” exclude the traditional view.

What they wanted was a broader definition. One that not only included many others, but was clearly not exclusive of any. “L” quoted from a modern Webster’s dictionary that defined family as “a group of people living under the same roof…a group of things that share a common characteristic”. She used this definition to declare that she and her husband were a “family” despite my “triune” view. I never said they weren’t, but I would submit that the modern definition would include virtually anything. I know a guy who has three renters in his house, all living under one roof. Are they a “family”? I have a group of “things” in my wallet that all share a common characteristic: they all reside in my billfold. Are they a “family”?

When a definition grows so large that it includes everything, it ceases to mean anything.

I remember several years ago, teaching in a college & career Sunday school class. We were talking about “family” and there were several that were upset because they felt my view of God’s design implied that they, being single, couldn’t call themselves a “family”…a family of one. How dare I exclude them!

Interesting, isn’t it? Why does being defined as a “family” mean so much?

What is going on here?

There is an underlying reason why “R” is upset and “J” is upset, the college & career class was upset, and “L” was upset (beyond her personal tragedy).

I think we need to examine that some time soon…

Personal to “L”:
I am deeply sorry that any of what I said upset you. I have read some of the things on your blog site and I can imagine the pain you and your husband have experienced. I have wept deeply over the same kinds of things…events that are personal and very close to me. I understand where you are coming from.

Marriage is a wonderful and amazing gift of God. The vast majority of everything I was saying Saturday was affirming that and attempting to help people see that marriage isn’t a man-made relationship, but God designed—and it is rooted in the incredible oneness that exists within the triune nature of God. But, in addition to God’s design for “marriage”, we should not ignore His beautiful design for the “family”, which includes children. That is why, in Malachi, it states “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring.”

However, we do live in a fallen and broken world. God’s design is not what we always see. Death leaves families without dads or moms or sometimes children. Divorce breaks up marriages and everyone suffers. I am the product of divorced parents. I still suffer from that. Physical problems prevent pregnancy or result in miscarriages. But, even in the midst of all of this, we continue to speak of, and exalt, God’s design and acknowledge that children are a gift of the Lord. We do not criticize or willfully add agony to those who desire children but cannot have them. I would never do that, I promise you. The personal pain and hurt that I have experienced would forbid that I could ever do that.

I pray that whatever anguish you sensed on Saturday would quickly subside, for it was never meant to hurt or cause pain, but simply to lift up and exalt the goodness of God’s design for both marriage and the family.

I also pray that someday you will find yourself at peace with whatever God has for you and able to “rejoice with those who rejoice” and “weep with those who weep”. I don’t think this can happen without a full and complete surrender to His will…a good, and perfect will.

Trust Him.

Comments

11 Responses to “Responses to “R” & “L””

  1. Lesley on March 9th, 2009 5:49 pm

    Del,

    Thank you for sharing your insights and powerful illustration of the Trinity in connection to marriage and family. After leading a group of college students through the Truth Project, I thought I had grasped it all, that there couldn’t be more to it. Yet, after attending the Focus on Marriage conference, I realized there is so much more that God wants us to see and know of His character. Again, thank you for your gracious way of presenting and for allowing God’s message to pour forth from you.

    Blessings,
    Lesley

  2. Cindy on March 10th, 2009 10:32 am

    Dear Dr. Tackett,
    I must write you this note as I feel the Holy Spirit is nudging me to do so.I want to thank you
    for sharing your amazing knowledge of God’s Word
    via the Truth Project.But more importantly your
    willingness to express your passion and true love
    for our Father,God.Your zeal for our Lord and Savior is infectious!!May all that you have poured out to others be returned to you a thousandfold.Thank you again Dr.Tackett.
    In Him,
    Cindy
    {Truth Project Leader}

  3. Keely Gohl on March 10th, 2009 1:53 pm

    Dr. Tackett,

    I love your insight into this. I think the deeper issue to explore is one of wanting all of the gain but none of the work. All of the blessing but none of the sacrifice. A good marriage takes daily effort. Children, while a gift from God, require daily vigilence (especially 2 year olds – we have one). :) The Lord always wants the heart that’s willing to do the work, to make the effort, to step into the river to see the miracle. What’s important for “L” is that she had the willingness to accept children. For whatever reason, she wasn’t given them. The Lord’s design for us to desire family isn’t so we can be part of an exclusive club that receives insurance benefits and a title. The Lord’s design is for us to desire to be in a humble relationship built on servanthood, trust, and love so we can understand his desire for us. Think of how amazing it is that the Lord would ask Abraham to have the heart to make the same sacrifice the Father would eventually make for us! To give up an only son to death as a sacrifice for others. The Lord didn’t end up requiring it of Abraham – but He wanted to see if the heart was there.

  4. Roger on March 11th, 2009 12:15 pm

    Dr Tackett
    As I read Eph. 5:32, which I believe summarizes the husband/wife relationship to be parallel to the Christ/church relationship, I note that children are not part of the equation, though Eph 6 embraces them as well. I do believe children are the epitomy result, and source of blessing, that reflects that parallelistic equation (Psalm 127)that leads to the pinnacle of happiness and joy on this earth and beyond. But…are not absolutely necessary to achieve such happiness and joy. There are couples unable to conceive naturally who have not failed in their marriages.

  5. Doug on March 12th, 2009 4:20 am

    Dr. Tackett,

    I have noticed that your characterization of God’s design for “threes” seems to put some people on the defensive and resurface pains from he past. In working through the Truth Project while leading a small group, this is the first time I have met some resistance to your thoughts and characterizations. As I ponder why this may be, it seems to me that we unconsciously compare ourselves to the unblemished design and often times do not like what we see; or feel inadequate in some way. As Paul wrote, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror…”, and so we are in this world and in this life. All of us.

    I pray that those who are offended and disheartened by your teaching would instead be optimistic about what is to come. The hurts of this life will fade away and be replaced by more joy than we can ever imagine. In the meantime, let us focus on glorifying God and serving others so as not to get too caught up in our own little stories, as you so aptly put it.

    May God continue to bless your ministry.

  6. Mike on March 12th, 2009 7:11 pm

    Dr Tackett-

    Thank you for being part of the Focus on Marriage. Your session was the highlight for me. I was raised in a religious home, but never had a relationship with God. I was far from God by the time I hit college. It was in my junior year in university, physics class no less, studying all of the forces that hold atoms together, that science spoke out to me of consistent patterns in nature, a purposeful design. All of creation speaks of a creator. You had my undivided attention when you started with some of my favorite passages in Psalm 19 and Romans 1.

    My wife and I were not able to have children. I experience the heartbreak of not having children almost daily. But, it doesn’t define me. Jesus Christ defines me! We know we would be more complete with children, but not having them does not disqualify us from being a family.

    I am excited to read about Impact 360 and Truth Projects. I am seeing if I can’t get involved in the Truth Project. Developing an accurate, biblical worldview is so important. These ministries are so important as the prominent worldview is distorted and ungodly. We need this in our lives.

    Thank you for your ministry.

  7. Breeze on March 31st, 2009 7:03 pm

    I don’t think Del is saying that if you don’t have kids you are not a family. In fact, he spells it out: “She used this definition to declare that she and her husband were a “family” despite my “triune” view. I never said they weren’t, but I would submit that the modern definition would include virtually anything.”

    He is saying that God set families up after the model of the trinity. As we tell the youth at youth group, we chose when to be offended and when not. Choose wisely!

  8. Tammy on April 1st, 2009 2:27 pm

    We did the 12 series Truth Project with our High School Bible Study this fall and am excited to see more coming for high school students! They have a battle to fight and need the TRUTH!

  9. Debby on August 3rd, 2009 12:46 pm

    The Divine Pause: “It is not good for man to be alone.”

    A quote from the video: “Being alone is contrary to the nature of God.”

    Dr. Tackett also said that this is not merely a pragmatic/qualitative statement, but because it involves the nature of God, it is also an ethical and moral statement.

    So, is he saying that it is unethical and immoral to live alone?? To be single??

  10. Ron on March 16th, 2010 2:31 am

    A few things comes to mind regarding marriage and family:

    FIRST for those who do not have children – there are literally hundreds-of-thousands of orphans in this world that NEED someone (just something to think and pray about).

    Also even if you cannot adopt legally there are other avenues i.e. Big Brother/Sister, Coach, teacher, etc. However, the BEST Biblical position is to “Make Disciples”. To do this takes real SPIRITUAL Fathers and Mothers. Here is one of the reasons so many in the church have not grown too much, the lack of Spiritual Fathers.

    The scriptures tell us over and over to visit/HELP the widows and the orphans, and that does not necessarily mean literal orphans. Take for example 70% of those in prison never had or never knew their father. Men and women who never had a father or mother but in most cases even if they did have a father and mother they did NOT have a godly example of a man or a woman.

    There are so MANY opportunities that time and space forbid that I write about them all.

    One last thought. I am not trying to be controversial, just food for thought, when asked about a woman who had seven husbands, who will be her husband in heaven, Jesus responded basically, None, “…in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage…” Mat. 22:30. And Jesus was never married, nor was Paul. So what I am saying is, “Learn to BE CONTENT, trusting GOD, wherever He has allowed you to be, AT THIS TIME.” Who says it won’t change, sometime soon?

  11. Grace on April 19th, 2010 9:48 pm

    I believe firmly that the family is God’s human model for social stability and growth; however, as a person who has struggled, like “L”, with infertility, I also have difficulty with what seems like an exlusionist view of the family. The reality is that family breakdown is rampant in society. The challenge is: how will we as the church respond? The church needs to be the family for those for whom the word “family” brings up only negative memories.

    Let me say though that the vast majority of comments (some of them grossly insensitive) I have received about my lack of children came from Christians. In some churches the concept of “family” is worshipped, so that if you do not belong to one of those, you are definitely left out. Look at those churches which have boxed people into categories for small groups e.g. college, young families, single, seniors etc. What happens if you are a divorced person in your mid 50′s and you don’t belong anywhere? (that’s not my age :) Yet even traditional church-going families can hide a multitude of sins. What’s needed for people who don’t have family (e.g. the single, the infertile, the divorced etc.) is not platitudes about “getting over it” and being contented, but UNDERSTANDING and ENCOURAGEMENT, and ACTION, by making a conscious effort to invite these people into your homes and lives. We all have a lot to learn from each other, regardless of our age, or family or social status.

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